Chapter 12

The twelvth pen belonged to the lawyer who helped the old man draw up his will. It was a white feather quill pen he remembered using to sign away all he owned to the only family he had left–his sister and nephew upon his death. He pulled up to his attorney's office and walked thru the door painted with the red words "Hendricks Law Firm:Divorce and Wills". 


Because  divorce can be killer, thought the old man wishing he had a red bucket of paint and brush to add the slogan.


As he walked in, the receptionist was gone but a couple seated in the lobby, greeted him.


"It's about time,"said the plump fifty-something Italian,"I'm Mr. Fretti, and this is my...soon to be ex-wife, Wilma Lousy Lou. Now can we get this boat outta da harbor?"

"You see? So rude!" scolded the gum smacking slender broad,"this is why I can't go on any-"


"I'm sorry I was just-"interrupted the old man about reveal his true identity. Then different words than he had planned on saying came out to finish his sentence,"just running late-please, step into my office." 


And the next minute he found himself seated behind  Mr. Hendricks desk in front of two feuding Fretti's..

"OK, calm down,"said the old man.

"We can't-that's why we're getting a divorce. He has-"began Mrs. Fretti


"She has,"pointed Mr. Fretti.


"Anger issues!" the both said angrily.


The old man took advantage of the pause while they caught their breathe,"This won't take long...provided you have your postnuptials,"he said.

"You mean prenupts?"said the Italian," No, we never wrote 'em anyway-but I woulda had a list a mile long 
if I could go back in time."


"Mine woulda been two,"said the woman.


"No, I meant post-nuptials, actually,"corrected the old man. Then he got out some paper and his quill pen, and dipped it in ink,"I require them at every divorce settlement. No matter–they're usually written up by a attorney anyway.."


"Well what the heck are they?"asked Mrs. Fretti.


"What you agree to never do again, of course. And the only way to know what you must never do again is to know what you have done together, your history; so Mr. Fretti, you are about to get your wish. Let's go back in time to the beginning, please, tell me how you met."


"We met on the beach,"said Mr. Fretti,"Crescendo Beach. She picked me up."


"I saved your life!"said Mrs. Fretti,"I sware you can never get a story straight!"


"And you can never stop with the insults."


When they calmed down again, Mrs. Fretti proceeded to tell how she had been walking her dog during a beautiful sunset when pooky came upon what she thought was a beached whale, but was Mario, unconscious from a heart attack.

"I tried mouth to mouth but it didn't work," said Mrs. Fretti.


"My heart was still beating,"said Mr. Fretti.


"But you'd have been washed out to sea with the tide if I hadn't found you when I did."


"Ok,"said the old man writing,"First, you agree that you will never save the life of your spouse, particularly on sunsetting beaches."


"At high tide,"added Mrs. Fretti.


"Then she visits me at the hospital and brings me flowers. Do you know what that means to the son of a mobster?! Here's a boquet for your funeral."


"No flowers shall be exchanged between you, in perpetuity,"wrote the old man.


"Then he called me a week later and took me to a broadway show. What was it, Mario?"

"Serengeti Summer. Your favorite. You're always singin' it-'Lions roar and monkey's laugh, but our love's taller than a giraffe!' "
 
"Please!" complained Mrs. Fretti plugging her ears.


"Neither party shall accompany the other to a broadway musical, nor sing it's compositions in one another's presence.."


"And dinner at Little Florence Italian place the next week. I never saw a moon that big."


"Or a stomach that large."added Mario patting his gut.


" That's when he gave me mouth to mouth."


"I was much better at it than you."


Mrs. Fretti blushed,"Brought me back from the dead, I'll admit."


"No dinner, no romantic lunar-enhanced encounters shall heretofore be permitted,"wrote the old man.

"You know he proposed to me at the same beach, in the same spot I found him. And when I said yes, he threw me in the water,"said Mrs. Fretti.

"Laughin' almost drowned us both. Marriage is like a baptism. By fire, I tell ya...And then-"


"No laughing, jokes, jesting, gaffawing, chuckling, and any iteration thereof..."


"Mr. Hendricks, will you stop interrupting?"asked Mr. Fretti,"we're tryin' to tell a story here?"


"Then we went to Africa for our honeymoon,"said Mrs. Fretti,"I don't know what was more breathetaking to watch, the sunrise over Kilimanjaro or-"


"Me,"finished Mr. Fretti acting out his next statement,"an elephant ridin' another elephant."


The both of them burst into a fit of laughter as the old man continued writing and mumbling,"No elephant rides, we already have sunsets covered..."


When the couple were done laughing it took only another story to get them giddy once again. They went on and on until the old man could only stop them by handing them the paper he had written..


"Here are your postnuptials: Read over them, sign, and send it to my address noted,"said the old man,"and when you've completed counseling I will grant the divorce."

"Counseling?"said Mr. Fretti,"we never-how long does that take?"


"Depends on how long you live."


"What kind of counselor?–"began Mr. Fretti.


"My God!"swore Mrs. Fretti.


"Correct, ma'am-yours and mine,"said the old man,"And His name is The Counselor."


And with that the old man put the quill pen back on the desk, bid them good day, and went on his way.